As an American woman living though one of the most financially devastating times in our country's history, I've spent a lot of time the last few years afraid of what may happen to me. In the height of the real estate market, I leveraged myself to the hilt, proud of myself for having a great job and making money, and proud of myself for being a homeowner at 22. In 2008, my home's value plummeted by over half!
Today, we are teetering on the fence of going into foreclosure or skating by with a short-sale, as I can no longer afford to pay for it. Should I be surprised? Maybe. I'm young enough to claim naivete at the time of buying this place. But if this mess hadn't happened, would there just have been a different one? I bet.
I've spent a lot of my life oppressed by worry, and it seems that just as one worry is gone, another shows its ugly face. But most of the time, I end up "borrowing trouble" as my mother used to call it. I spend so much energy on the anxiety, that my mind actually suffers the pain of the possible outcome, and most of the time the worst case scenario doesn't even happen. Why can't I just trust God?
I know that God is my Father, and loves me like a daughter (and thus, wouldn't want any harm to come to me). But I'm struggling with that. If that is true, than one of two things is also true. God either has no control over the bad things that have happened to me; or he has some kind of redemptive plan that I just can't see yet to work it all out for my good. I know the former is a lie, but it would make it it easier for me to love God and take comfort in his presence, but I wouldn't feel safe with Him. Knowing that the latter is true, then I will continue to feel stuck and frustrated in the waiting. The bible says to "cast all your anxieties on Him, because he cares for you" 1Peter 5:7. In this, I can hope for some comfort, like a little girl in her daddy's lap crying from a skinned knee. But He's not going to shelter me from every bit of hardship or trial. This is how He shows me a glimpse of the suffering that Christ endured to save me. I guess, in a little way, that makes me feel special.